The Guides' Advice On The Value of Discernment and Boundaries in Relationships

One of my guides’ favorite rhetorical devices in many of the readings I have done over the past year has been to say something to the effect of: “Don’t mistake this for that.” It’s a pedagogical maneuver, of sorts, that emphasizes discernment. Some examples of this have been: “Don’t mistake forgiveness for weakness.” “You mistake worry for control.” “Don’t mistake back-breaking work for a strong direction.” “Don’t mistake fear for reality.” (Salvador once even told me to stop mistaking a prospective love interest’s enthusiasm for Narcissistic love-bombing!) I’ve found this approach to be a very insightful, and often humorous way to mindfully examine one’s own beliefs. It is when we learn to see the true nature of our mental constructs - and also the motivations of other people - that we can begin to clear up misunderstandings and misconceptions that keep us stuck in destructive patterns.

The idea of misunderstanding motivations often comes up in readings in which Salvador and Natalie help people resolve conflicts. One of the things I treasure most about working with my guides is how they have been able to help me understand better people against whom I might  otherwise be inspired to bear a misguided grudge. They are always able to put situations in a perspective that allows me to genuinely forgive them. 

When we find ourselves in conflict with other people, it becomes especially necessary to know where the other party’s personal issues end, and our own begin. Otherwise, we can end up projecting our own issues onto them, or erroneously accept their projections or perceptions of us onto ourselves. This is akin to taking on another person’s karma. It’s messy and fruitless. On the other hand, when we have the insight to know that so-and-so who lashed out at us is acting from a sense of threatened ego, rather than because of something we did to provoke them, it is easier to accept that they are working through their own issues, and it is not our job to fix them. Then, we can focus on figuring out the highest possible lesson of that conflict, so we needn’t repeat it in the future. This discernment reinforces healthy boundaries, and healthy boundaries speed up conflict resolution.

The idea of discernment and boundaries can be extended in yet another way, not only to situations of conflict, but to all kinds of relationships. When we acknowledge the true motivations of people, and by extension, their true nature, without confusing them as reflections of ourselves, we can become more accepting of people just as they are. We will no longer place expectations on them that are not theirs to fulfill. This can free both parties to stay in their full integrity. When people are acutely aware of what has brought another person to the point in their lives at which they find themselves, and respect it, newly formed relationships can be defined purely in the context of the best that each person truly has to offer the other. They can become relationships of equals who can freely choose to define the exchange they engage in at that moment of their lives. Again, figuring out the highest lesson the relationship bears for mutual spiritual growth is easy when our own projections and differing needs are cleared out of the way. This is an act both of self-love, and of love towards the other.

So, in light of these lessons, I urge all of you to look at your relationships, your friendships, your family dynamics, your dalliances, through this lens of mutual integrity. Where do you feel you are in your life path, at this moment? What are you looking for? What brought you here? And how about the other person? How can you both bring out the best in each other, while remaining true to yourselves? Where do your needs intersect? Have you been mistaking an action or motivation for something it is not? Think about it, and see if something unexpectedly falls into place in a new way.